I moved the "WHO AM I"
feature to the front page of this website.
JOKES
Subject: 1950's Home Economics - Updated Version
The following is from an actual 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for high School
girls...to teach them how to prepare for married life.....
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on
time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been
thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most
men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm
welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives.
Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair, and be fresh looking. He has just been
with a lot of work-weary
people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just
before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust
cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order,
and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces. If
they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little
treasures, and he would like to
see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer,
dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see
him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some Don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late
for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down
in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to
take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax
and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival
is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out
to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand his world of
strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.
10. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can
relax.
Now for the modified/updated version for the '90s woman.
1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just
leave him a FAX or voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what
time. This lets him know that
your day has been bad and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will
do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he
belches at the table.
3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an
extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the
children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at Grandma's!
5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage
disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in
a nice way and greet him with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and
then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout
dinner. Don't complain if he's
late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the
cleanup.
7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold.
This will really show you care.
8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his: A chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.
10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make
more money than he does.
Now for the guys version
1. Have dinner ready: You might as well since you know she can't cook. If you're lucky,
she may actually appreciate this and, God forbid, be fair and load the dishwasher
afterwards.
2. Prepare yourself: All of the outfits you hope she'll be wearing and all of those
romantic things you see women do in the movies (usually movies from the 50's) just won't
happen. You're expected to love her at her worst, and that's what you're gonna get.
3. Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the house cleaning up any sign that
you might have been enjoying yourself during the day. Throw away your empty beer cans,
take the T.V. remote out of
your pocket and put it back on the T.V. and put the phone back in the cradle. If she
thinks you've enjoyed the first half of the day, she'll be sure you don't enjoy the rest
of it.
4. Prepare the children: You know they were in the house a few hours ago. Go find them,
they couldn't have gone too far.
5. Minimize the noise: Turn down the stereo and turn off the T.V. Stop the dryer
from running and hide your clean clothes. If she finds out you do this for yourself she'll
expect you to do hers also.
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet her with problems and complaints. She'll always one-up you.
You'll be expecting some comfort but before long, you'll be running her a bath and taking
the kids out for pizza.
7. Make her comfortable: You might actually get some tonight.
8. Listen to her: Or at least pretend to, usually simple nodding will do.
9. Make the evening hers: It already was anyway, don't kid yourself.
10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable, learn to say "You're right,
Honey" because she always is. Soon you will settle into this routine and you'll
understand everything your father ever taught you -
somewhere around your fourth marriage.
An elderly man was at home, dying in his bed. As he wandered in and
out of consciousness, he smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking.
He thought how nice it would be to have one last cookie before he died.
He stirred and attempted to get out of bed. However, he stumbled out, and fell to the
floor. He crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs then crawled into the kitchen,
where he found his wife busily baking cookies.
With waning strength he crawled to the table and was barely able to lift his withered arm
to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his very favorite
kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
"Why?" he whispered with a pained, almost sobbing lament "Why did you do
that?"
"They're for the funeral."
A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin and his
car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the
cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few." "I did all
right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop,
standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your
wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the
drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Recently a man ran into a building and said he had to call 911.
"What for"? asked another man.
"There is a big dog in a pickup truck outside, I have to call 911." he
replied.
"Why that is my dog, he is a Great Dane, the biggest dog they make. What
is the matter?"
"My dog just killed your dog" the first man replied.
WHAT??? What kind of dog do you have that could kill my Geat Dane? A
Rottweiller? A Pitt Bull?
"Why no," he said, " I have a Chihuahua"
A Chihuahua?? How could your little Chihuahua kill my Great Dane??"
"He got stuck in his throat"
Down around the Texas-Louisiana border, there has been a recent
rash of illegal cock fighting, with quite a bit of gambling. The director of the
Louisiana State Police finally bent to public pressure and sent an investigator to get to
the bottom of the problem.
The crack investigator, Boudreaux, took an unmarked cruiser and headed for Mamou. He was
gone for two days and arrived back in Baton Rouge to report to the director.
He reported that there were three major groups involved in the illegal cock fighting
- Texas Aggies, Cajuns and the Mafia.
Of course, the boss wanted to know how he surmised this, and he replied that he knew there
were Texas Aggies involved when he saw someone enter a duck into the fight. He knew
that there were Cajuns involved when someone bet on the duck.
He then stated that he was absolutely positive that the Mafia was involved when the duck
won!
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or
playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his
birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says
Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is
becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you
drink Budweiser".
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
"Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's
wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and
spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she
starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up
a real fiesty one
tonight, Dave."
One night a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy
bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he
saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different
cars before he found his. Then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for
several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine
and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the
driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a
reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be? The driver replied,
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Ole and Lena are in their 80s, and Ole always wanted an expensive
pair of alligator shoes. Seeing them on sale one day, he purchased them and wore them
home, asking Lena "So, you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's
different?"
Frustrated, Ole goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, just
wearing the new shoes. Again, "So, Lena, do you notice anything different?"
"What's different, Ole? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and
will be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily Ole yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new
shoes!!!!!"
To which Lena replies, "Ole, you should have bought a new hat!"
